No Neutral Ground: Victim of Love

So it’s time for the hearts and the cards and the flowers and so forth. It seems that the world is divided into two Valentine camps: the bitter, sardonic, “I hate love” camp, and the nauseatingly romantic, “I love love” camp.  I like to think that I am in neither of these camps, and that I fall coolly somewhere in between.  On love’s neutral ground, so to speak.  But actually, I suspect that love has no neutral ground.  Well, maybe it does, but I think it only exists for people that have become so numb that they aren’t even in the game anymore.  And what fun is that?  It’s none at all.  Trust me, I’ve tried it before.  It was back in the “Love Me Like a Man” days of my lonely early thirties.

But…why was I regularly using that Thigh Master thing unless I was secretly still in the game? Believe me, that Thigh Master was no fun, and I wouldn’t have been doing it just to try to impress my fellow singleton buddies with some killer glutes and thighs as we sat around watching “Friends” and “Seinfeld”, eating air-popped popcorn and pretending we were completely happy and satisfied with our solitary lot in life.  Speaking of which, air-popped popcorn sucks severely and is like eating Styrofoam, in case you don’t know. It was the dietary equivalent of the Thigh Master.  And then, there was that hunky guy that lived upstairs in my apartment complex that I tried to meet by timing my departures with his, in a reverse procedure to what I did with the elephant man from the SRV wars.  Naturally, I never met the guy, whereas the elephant man became my lifelong friend. Oh, the irony.  The absurd, pathetic irony of my life.  But it doesn’t sound like I was really all that numb, even when I thought for sure I was.

So the bottom line, I think, is that there really is no neutral ground, and that we only pretend to ourselves that we are numb.  The numbness is an illusion. We are all victims of love in some way.  I can feel some of you desperately arguing with me on this, so let’s look at a scenario.  Let’s say you are my spinster cousin and you say, “But Marie, I’ve been living alone happily with my cats since 1983.  I have my gardening and I sing in the church choir.  I’m perfectly fine!  You’re full of baloney, Marie.”

And I’m going to respond by saying, “I’m glad you’re happy, really I am, but you’re still a victim of love like the rest of us.  Don’t you remember that time your prom date spent the whole night dancing with that slutty girl and you called Uncle Herbert to come pick you up early?  I distinctly recall that you quit wearing your contacts after that, and I’m pretty sure you quit using your Thigh Master at that point too.  But I’ve seen all those muffins and cookies you bake for that weird choir director guy.  Yep.  You’re a victim of love too, spinster cousin, so don’t go thinking you’re better than the rest of us feeble clay-footed mortals.”  Of course, I wouldn’t really say any of this to a spinster cousin, because she would cry, and I’m a softie, but the truth is still the truth.

This is my favorite Eagles song, although some of the lyrics are slightly disturbing to me personally.  But maybe it’s my favorite Eagles song because of that.  I could be wrong…but I’m not.  Tell me your secrets; I’ll tell you mine.  This ain’t no time to be cool…

And now, a little Valentine’s present for you…enjoy.  And never quit fighting those flabby thighs.

Happy Valentine’s Day, fellow victims!

Questions?  Comments?  Please Share!

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11 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Music, Uncategorized

11 responses to “No Neutral Ground: Victim of Love

  1. “We are a product of those who have loved us and those who have not loved us”. No idea who – if anyone – said that, but it’s quite good, isn’t it?
    For the record, Vinyl Connection reckons that love may not be all you need, but it’s a damn good start.
    [Valentine’s Day, however, may well be pure baloney.]

    • Yeah, I’d say that has the ring of truth to it. Not just the quote, but all of it. I’m pretty sure that being a psychologist and all, you could have done some heavy analysis of me based on this post, so thanks for letting me off light. But wait…maybe you did it inwardly and just aren’t telling me. Now I’m paranoid. Ha ha! Just kidding! I like pretending to be paranoid because I think it’s funny. Plus if I pretend to be paranoid a lot, it covers it up when I really am paranoid. Oh my gosh, now I’m analyzing myself just from talking to you! lol 😉

  2. Ahhh…so that’s how analysis works. Very clever. You are the master! LOL! 😀

  3. I don’t know if I’m a victim of love, but I’ve definitely been victimized by it! Good post, as usual.

    • As have we all, my friend, as have we all. One thing’s for sure – love is no respecter of persons, slamming and skewering the great and the small with equal force and brutality. Heh heh. (That was weak, feeble fake laughter on my part, btw.)

  4. Jamie

    I do hate the pressure that these ‘fixed’ celebration dates bring. I’d much prefer, and do, celebrate moments whenever I feel the desire to do so – and the chocolates and champagne are a damn sight cheaper away from February 14th!
    And, Marie, whether your thighs are flabby or not, we don’t care – just keep blogging your lovely posts.

  5. Pingback: The After VD (By Which I mean Valentine’s Day) Party Party | My Wild Surmise

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